He was thinking of me (29/3/2008 2:39 am)

This is something a very special "friend" wrote me
(29/3/2008 2:39 am)



"Don't mind me.

Just writing in regards to something a friend is going through.

Our lives are in a constant flux. In the blink of an eye our lives can be flipped on end, our very existence shattered.

I wrote in a previous post about being self-destructive. What I didn't get into was why.

My girlfriend was pregant with my baby. 6 months. One night she went out with friends and as she sat in the car waiting for one to come out, gunfire ripped through the car killing her and the baby.

It took me a long time to recover from that. You already know a part of what happened , how I chose to deal with it.

To this day I'm distant with people. I want closeness, but when the closeness comes I move away from it. I'm sure its due to the fear of loss, but as I am aware I'm damaged goods...but being aware of it gives me the advantage of not deluding myself as to what I am...and what I am not.

I work 16 hours days.

I work 16 hour days because I have two younger sisters in colleges that my parents cannot afford. While my plan is not to fund their whole way through college I feel its important for them to acclimate to college life, to not just be thrown into the fire. It's the real reason why I don't drive a new car, or blow lots of money on trivial things. Why I limit myself to the few perks I truly want. I went from living a fairly care-free life , to suddenly having a daunting financial responsibilty. It forced me to have a complete change of life. Forced is not the right word.

Chose is not the right word either.

I want them to finish school, I don't want them to be overwhelmed by work and study. Eventually they will have to fly on their own, but for now...

I fall asleep easily on the days that I work. One of the changes that came was the ability to focus on what I needed to do. Like get enough rest to be able to work. At one point my only goal was to exist. A story for another day. I'm falling asleep now, but I feel the need to write. I will regret it tomorrow. Only for a minute though. Then I will continue on my way. When I'm off I lay awake, consumed by thoughts of my past.

Consumed ...but not controlled.

Some people call it reflection.

I feel overwhelmed by these things.

Overwhelmed but not burdened.

No one can tell us how to grieve loss. No one can predict when their life will change. No one can tell us it will get better. We just cannot believe it.



It does though.

It's exactly why my life is simple.

The world does not hate me.

It's not out to get me.

My girfriend...I remember the love I felt.

My child...I imagine the love I would have.

I smile when I write those checks, knowing that my sisters are moving towards bright futures.So I enjoy my work, and the sun on my face, and the music in my ears.

Life...no matter what it throws at us ...moves on. Each and every one of us has to learn how to move along with it. At our own pace. In our own time.

Would hearing these words help you? I don't know. Really, I don't need to know. I do know that I feel your pain, as closely as I feel my own. It's not what I wrote, or that I wrote it for you, but that I wrote it at all that is important.

Pain reminds us that what we lost was loved. It reminds us that what WE ourselves felt was real.

It reminds us that we are alive.

So close your eyes. Feel the breeze on your face. Remember their smiles. Their warmth.

Remember those around us. Those we can still touch and talk to and help.

Don't let yourself fall into dismay. Remember there is always a way to survive, exist and to overcome.

Remember yourself.

Goodnight."

Sometimes we find special friends even when we are not looking for them...

...I saw his profile, what a nice pic! Wow Damn he is hot!
So I winked at him. Wait! A reply to my "flirting", an e-mail that says "Hi, sup girl!". I read some blog entries and thats it! He is awesome! He is not just hot, he is definitely not just a peace of meat, he got brains and a beatiful smile! He knows how to touch me just with words, he seems to know me deep inside and that scares me, "alot" (as he would say-write). So I think, gosh he must have tons of girls running after him, I must be # 142.564.759.588 right there at the end of the line lol. So we started to chat, just a "Hi, how are you" kinda talk at first, but shortly after the first couple of lines we were conected...totally conected! Then they came, the "all night long" conversations, we got closer, we laugh, we shared memories, experiences, pain, confessions, advices...
we shared...shared...shared...

I love that! I need that! I want that!!!!
And as he would say "I want closeness"
Is he just a friend now???
Helllllllllllllll NO!!!


Bring me the future...
I am looking forward....
I L... U daddy!
F.

Donnie J - So Over U lyrics

Donnie J - So Over U lyrics

I shoulda been stronger, when you left me baby, 
I just didn't see it comin, (no)
You shoulda waited longer, we coulda worked it out, 
I know eats you up inside, Now when you call the phone, 
Tellin me, basically you still love me I,
Cant believe your unbelievable,

[Chorus]

Cuz I never really new it was endin,
But I shoulda seen it from the beginin,
When I use to be so independent,
Then all I did was think of you,
Girl you know I coulda showed ya,
Gonna keep head high on my shoulders
I'm better off now that it's over,
And I'm not gonna think of you,
Cuz I'm so over U, I'm so over U, I'm so over U yeah…
I'm so over U, I'm so over U, I'm so over U, yeah…

I shoulda known better, shoulda seen right through, 
It was all about the chase, baby 
Now I'm a little wiser, cuz of girls like you,
I learned from my mistake,
Now I can go out every night enjoy myself without the fight,
Sayin no more, no more sleepless nights…

[Chorus]

I use to wanna know, why'd you go an break my heart, like we never meant a think at all
Times made me wise, no I didn't believe it when they told me, that I'd get over U…

[Chorus]



Song lyrics | So Over U lyrics

Donnie J - Easier Said Than Done lyrics

Donnie J - Easier Said Than Done lyrics

I know you don't like hearing this 
But I feel like we're making a huge mistake 
Well. Maybe it's too late, you know 
Maybe I should just let you go..listen, 

Boy meets girl, girl likes boy 
It was your typical story, but I 
Was hard to get, I made you wait 
And you kept your eye on the prize 
And it paid off 'cause we found love 
And everything fit like a glove 
Perfect…or so it seemed to be to me 

Tell me is this worth it 
Girl, nobody is perfect 
So what, so what am I supposed to do when 

Every time I try to walk away 
There's always something that reminds me I should stay, yeah 
Girl I know I should be strong 
But girl it feels so wrong, holding on 
It's so much easier said than done 

We spent some time when you were mine 
Tell me where it all went 
You promised me, you'd never leave 
Do you break all your promises? 
Just like you broke my heart so easily 
Saying you love me was just a tease to me 
I wanted the real thing but you lost the feeling for me 
And now, is this worth it 
When we're both hurting 
I know you can't hide it from yourself 

And now every time you try to walk away (now every time you try) 
There's always something that reminds you of my face (oh baby yeah) 
You know you should be strong (you can be strong) 
But you feel so wrong, moving on without me, on without me 
Is easier said than done 

I know we've had our ups and downs 
You need some time alone 
Maybe it's best we go our own ways 
But it's so hard 

And now every time I try to walk away (every time I try to walk away) 
There's something that reminds me I should stay (oh yeah) 
I know I should be strong 
But girl, I feel so wrong 
Moving on without you, on without you 
Oh it's easier said than done



Song lyrics | Easier Said Than Done lyrics

Donnie J - Do It All Again lyrics

Song lyrics | Do It All Again lyrics

THROUGH THE PAIN

P. DIDDY (PUFF DADDY)- THROUGH THE PAIN (SHE TOLD ME) (FEAT. MARIO WINANS)

[Diddy:]
Can You Feel Me?
Can You Touch Me?
Can You Trust Me?
Can You Love Me?

I Need You
Rio...Talk To Em'

[Mario:]
I Could Tell How You Doubted Me
I Knew My Heart Was Broken
And So Empty
Even Though My Girl Was Next To Me
She Didn't See
I Do Believe
That You Wanna Come By
Rescue Me
If You Read My Mind
I Have Set You A Place
I Wonder If I'll Just Will Be
In Time We'll See
She Told Me

She Told Me
She Showed Me
But She Hurt Me
Yet She Loved Me The Same
Has Anybody Ever Made You Feel That Way?
Could You Really Love Her Through The Pain?

[Diddy:]
...Yeah
When I Don't Wanna Feel This Way ( This Way )
I Got Too Many Bills To Pay ( To Pay )
I'm Hanging On Patrone All Day ( Aye )
Mind In A Maze ( Maze)
Blowing On Shit
I Can't Function
It Gotta Be Something ( Go Ahead )
That You Doing
That Got Me Unconscious ( Aye)
All This Money This Fame This Fire
How Could I Feel This Empty Inside? ( Talk To 'Em)

[Mario:]
I've Been Thinking 'Bout Giving Up ( Can't Give Up)
But There's Something Inside Me That's Holding On
When We Don't Know Who's Right Or Wrong
We Still Stay Strong
Keep Movin' On ( Don't Stop )
And I Promise I Will Never Leave
Now Would You Do The Same For Me?
I Wonder If I'll Just Will Be
In Time We'll See
She Told Me

She Told Me
She Showed Me
But She Hurt Me
Yet She Loved Me The Same
Has Anybody Ever Made You Feel That Way?
Could You Really Love Her Through The Pain?

[Diddy:]
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Fine As Hell
Fly Chanel ( So Fly )
But Will It Last?
Only Time Will Tell ( Only Time )
Love Is Real
And What I Mean Is
There's Not Enough Words To Explain The Meaning ( C'mon )
And What I'm Saying Is
All I Need Is For You To Understand
How Beautiful She Is ( She Is )
And All It Takes Is A Little Faith
And No Matter The Situation
Is My Heart You'll Stay

[Mario:]
I'll Always Be Your Friend
You'll Always Be My Girl ( I'll Always Love You)
I'll Never Let It End
For Nothing In The World ( You'll Never Stop Me )
'Cause No One Else Can Do
The Things You Do ( No One Else Do The Things )
You Make Me Feel (You Make Me Feel)
So Warm And New
So Would You Stay With Me? (She Told Me)

She Told Me (She Showed Me)
She Showed Me (But She Hurt)
But She Hurt Me (Yet She Loved Me)
Yet She Loved Me The Same (All The Same)
Has Anybody Ever Made You Feel That Way?
(Has Anybody...Ever Made You Feel That Way?)
Could You Really Love Her Through The Pain? (Could You?)

Thank You For Showing Me How To Love
Thank You For Showing Me

Girl You Mean The World To Me
Just A Little More Than I Can See
Breaks Us Down
We'd Stay Together
Only We Can Hustle Who Ever
Would You Come And Go With Me
To Fulfilled Our Fantasies
Take Me By My Hand My Dear
Promise Me You Won't Have No Fear

She Told Me ( She Showed Me )
She Showed Me ( But She Hurt Me )
But She Hurt Me ( Yet She Loved Me )
And She Loved Me The Same ( All The Same )
Has Anybody Ever Made You Feel That Way?
(Has Anybody...Ever Made You Feel That Way?)
Could You Really Love Her Through The Pain? (Could You?)

I needed to write....

For years, I avoided any kind of relationship like the plague.
I suffered to much at the "loving field". Well, this went on for years but I am definitely not the "feel sorry for me" kinda girl! I'm a fighter and I'm happy to say that I finally got over it to enjoy a couple of wonderful relationships. I've been with ,not much but, some of the most wonderful guys and I feel honored to have known them and still know many of them (although not intimately).

"Hey! Wait a minute...If they were that good why you are not with them anymore?" Because only friendship does NOT make a relationship better or successful. I need more than a friend. Yeah, for years I avoid a serious relationship but then This guy showed up im my life...I was feeling alone, in a different country, with different people, a different family, different language...yeah, it was new but its was a hard time as well...and then I met him! I was done avoing...hiding...runnig from something I thought it would be real...something I always wanted soooo bad.

He was one of the most hottest black men I could ever dream about. Every girl I have had showed his pic and myspace profile wanted a piece of him. He was the one that had all the girl's heads turn when I was online chatting with him....while they said, "Damn, who is that gorgeous black guy? Where is he going tonight?" Yes! I had my grilfriends having lil crushes on him.

Well, back then I just wanted to be his friend...I was in need of a friend badly. But right at the beginning I realize he couldn't be just a friend for me....I wanted more from him. I was smart, or so I thought I was, I knew better than to drool. I kept my head over my shoulders when I met him. I thought I was ready to take things slowly and see how everything would pan out. But I wasn't smart! I fell in love so fast....sooooooooo fast!!!

Friendship is where we started. It was the basis of our union.Our friendship was so strong and impotant to me that I couldn't bare the thought of not trying everything and anything possible to make it work...He was my movie buddy, my best friend, and then I realized he was more than a friend to me and that I wanted more than to be just a friend to him.

I got tired of hearing people say how important friendship is. I have tons of friends and few good ones and I wanted to have a life partner as well and that includes future planning, fun, acceptance, trust, dreams, and of course intimacy and sex. And we had it all!!!We became great friends and later lovers. Great lovers! The nights were short for us back then. A black guy and a brazilian girl...goodness! What a hot combination!!!

But life sux and I had to leave US...Hell that hurted so bad! I couldn't look back. I didnt want him to see me crying. In fact I didn't think he loved me enough or at least the same way to ask me to stay. I felt like I was falling fast in a deep hole. My heart was broken into a million pieces. At first the distance was the problem! It was hard as hell because we were far away from each other...but life is cruel sometimes and a lot of shit happened after I left! His Big Brother passed away...then my best friend died as well. At the same time I learned I was pregnat and that I've had lost the baby. My mom had to have surgery to fix a problem on her heart. I haven’t find a job, so I had no money... I was too emotional, sad and moody. Out of that I didn’t know what to do about us. I felt like I was at the road alone.It was driving me crazy! I was feeling neglected - forgotten - nothing - a peace of shit!! He was having a hard time over there as well and I felt like he didn't care about me and my problems at all. My world had been turned upside down. My aunt passed away and my mom was in the hospital. My life was falling apart right before my eyes! I was crying a lot because all of my own problems, his problems, and ours problems as a couple. It was a really tough time to both of us. He needed things to be about him in a time that I needed things to be about me. Unfortunately I couldn’t hide my feelings and my problems forever just to help him out because I wasn’t in a good time in my life either. In fact, I needed him to be there for me as well. Besides all the problems we were having there was the fact that I didn’t even know when I would be able to come back to the States. So I was hoping we could make things work between us because the physical distance was already to hard to deal with.

We decided to give us a try and he told me about his dreams of having a partner in life, that he wanted us "to be a team...to back each other up...to grown old together". We both knew getting there was hard…but we both agreed it was not impossible. But I was the only one trying to work on us.I even tried to fit myself into “His idea” of how I should act but I couldn’t live like that. I needed to be as natural as I could to be ok with myself. I couldn’t lose touch with the integrity that guides my life. I was felling like my feelings were sinking into the shadows and I was afraid that circumstances were working against me as well…against us

We've had to work hard to keep us together!!! My Dad says, "A relationship is something you work at. You don't just get up and run out when it gets tough." I agreed with him and still do. Relationships - any type of one - take work and effort, and anything can be overcome. So I tried! I have a major "flaw" and it is my patience and trust. I trust and believe on him since the very beginning as well as had a great level of patience with his "pushing me away...cutting me off...its not your business way" of loving me. I communicated with him openly and honestly about my feelings - my bestfriend would've been proud of me. I read books to learn more about what I could do or say, I made constant attempts in using what I was learning from these books, I sought counseling and went on my own, I consulted with friends and family looking everywhere for answers.

Well.... I got the answers. I know now I was working hard on a "one way" reltionship! His "approach" was much much different than mine...Well I better say that wasnt an approach...whatever he said he was trying did not help at all and It wouldn't unless it was followed up with actions which was NOT the case. He refused my suggestions - yes many - for us to seek for an away to make the distance smaller somehow. He accused me of not being understandble...of being a drama queen...maybe I was. He also wasted all the excuses he could have had with me to defend himself of being cold, and not there for me in my times of need. I kept secrets (stuff that I didn’t even tell him because he had his own problems to deal with already).I cryied...I suffered...I spent sleepless nights thinking about what I could have done wrong...Needless to say, being culturally different was a problem as well. We got off to a very rocky start that didn't get any smoother with time and my own work.

Well, now I am sure there was a reason to be back in Brazil and I will focus on that. I will focus on my family…I will focus on me. I will take my eyes off the others things and people in my life and find comfort in being myself. Right now it seems I need to sort out my own feelings about what Faby wants, not what Faby and a partner wants. I need to be happy alone before I can truly give love to someone else. Right now, I will just love me and my parents. I will make them the most important people in my life. As hard as my life is right now, I will learn to be me, only me, an uncompromised me. I won't bend to what others want me to be. How people want me to act. I know what is right and as hard as it will be to let go of you now I need to do it.

I always thought that living in another country, getting to know another language, people, having a brand new family and friends would be a great way to mark big changes in my life, but now I can definitely be sure of that. My time in US draws a line in time between the time before and the time after. I'll never be the same girl my parents droped at the Airport on June 2005 to live in Naperville. Back then I wasn’t happy. I was searching for so many things, I wanted to work, I wanted to be independent, I wanted to learn about everything. I wanted to get to know a whole new world but more than get to know about the American way of life I learned about myself -- the trip was bigger inside myself than anything else. The end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008 made me think a lot about myself, my choices in life, what is important, what makes me happy, what makes me sad... Life is short…too short and I wanna be happy again. Now I have come to understand that I won’t be the same ever again...there’s no way…no way...I can be the same old me again.

Kelly Clarkson Walk Away Lyrics

Walk Away Lyrics


You've got your mother and your brother
Every other undercover
Tellin' you what to say
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know the situation's getting older
now the more you talk
The less I can take, oh

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today
Hey

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I want a love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
'Cause if you don't then just leave

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away

If you don't have the answer
Walk away
Just walk away
Then just leave
Yeah yeah
Walk away
Walk away

...

Kelly Clarkson Lyrics
Addicted Lyrics

Kelly Clarkson Addicted Lyrics

Addicted

It's like you're a drug.
It's like you're a demon I can't face down.
It's like I'm stuck.
It's like I'm running from you all the time.

And I know I let you have all the power.
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around.

It's like you're a leech,
Sucking the life from me.
It's like I can't breathe,
Without you inside of me.

And I know I let you have all the power.
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time.

It's like I can't breathe.
(It's like I can't breathe)
It's like I can't see anything.

Nothing but you.
(It's like I can't breathe)
I'm addicted to you.

It's like I can't think,
(It's like I'm not me)
Without you interrupting me.

In my thoughts,
(In my thoughts)
In my dreams,
(In my dreams)
You've taken over me.

It's like I'm not me,
It's like I'm not me.

It's like I'm lost.
It's like I'm giving up slowly.
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me.
Leave me alone.

And I know these voices in my head are mine alone.
And I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you up now.

It's like I can't breathe.
(It's like I can't breathe.)
It's like I can't see anything.

Nothing but you.
(It's like I can't breathe.)
I'm addicted to you.

It's like I can't think.

(It's like I'm not me)
Without you interrupting me.

In my thoughts,
(In my thoughts)
In my dreams,
(In my dreams)
You've taken over me.

It's like I'm not me.
It's like I'm not me.

I'm hooked on you,
I need a fix,
I can take it.
Just one more hit,
I promise I can deal with it.

I'll handle it, quit it,
Just one more time,
Then that's it.
Just a little bit more to get me through this.

I'm hooked on you,
I need a fix,
I can take it,
Just one more hit,
I promise I can deal with it.

I'll handle it, quit it,
Just one more time,
Then that's it,
Just a little bit more to get me through this.

It's like I can't breathe.
(It's like I can't breathe)
It's like I can't see anything.

Nothing but you.
(It's like I can't breathe)
I'm addicted to you.

It's like I can't think,
(It's like I'm not me)
Without you interrupting me.

In my thoughts,
(In my thoughts)
In my dreams,
(In my dreams)
You've taken over me.

It's like I'm not me.
It's like I'm not me.