He was thinking of me (29/3/2008 2:39 am)

This is something a very special "friend" wrote me
(29/3/2008 2:39 am)



"Don't mind me.

Just writing in regards to something a friend is going through.

Our lives are in a constant flux. In the blink of an eye our lives can be flipped on end, our very existence shattered.

I wrote in a previous post about being self-destructive. What I didn't get into was why.

My girlfriend was pregant with my baby. 6 months. One night she went out with friends and as she sat in the car waiting for one to come out, gunfire ripped through the car killing her and the baby.

It took me a long time to recover from that. You already know a part of what happened , how I chose to deal with it.

To this day I'm distant with people. I want closeness, but when the closeness comes I move away from it. I'm sure its due to the fear of loss, but as I am aware I'm damaged goods...but being aware of it gives me the advantage of not deluding myself as to what I am...and what I am not.

I work 16 hours days.

I work 16 hour days because I have two younger sisters in colleges that my parents cannot afford. While my plan is not to fund their whole way through college I feel its important for them to acclimate to college life, to not just be thrown into the fire. It's the real reason why I don't drive a new car, or blow lots of money on trivial things. Why I limit myself to the few perks I truly want. I went from living a fairly care-free life , to suddenly having a daunting financial responsibilty. It forced me to have a complete change of life. Forced is not the right word.

Chose is not the right word either.

I want them to finish school, I don't want them to be overwhelmed by work and study. Eventually they will have to fly on their own, but for now...

I fall asleep easily on the days that I work. One of the changes that came was the ability to focus on what I needed to do. Like get enough rest to be able to work. At one point my only goal was to exist. A story for another day. I'm falling asleep now, but I feel the need to write. I will regret it tomorrow. Only for a minute though. Then I will continue on my way. When I'm off I lay awake, consumed by thoughts of my past.

Consumed ...but not controlled.

Some people call it reflection.

I feel overwhelmed by these things.

Overwhelmed but not burdened.

No one can tell us how to grieve loss. No one can predict when their life will change. No one can tell us it will get better. We just cannot believe it.



It does though.

It's exactly why my life is simple.

The world does not hate me.

It's not out to get me.

My girfriend...I remember the love I felt.

My child...I imagine the love I would have.

I smile when I write those checks, knowing that my sisters are moving towards bright futures.So I enjoy my work, and the sun on my face, and the music in my ears.

Life...no matter what it throws at us ...moves on. Each and every one of us has to learn how to move along with it. At our own pace. In our own time.

Would hearing these words help you? I don't know. Really, I don't need to know. I do know that I feel your pain, as closely as I feel my own. It's not what I wrote, or that I wrote it for you, but that I wrote it at all that is important.

Pain reminds us that what we lost was loved. It reminds us that what WE ourselves felt was real.

It reminds us that we are alive.

So close your eyes. Feel the breeze on your face. Remember their smiles. Their warmth.

Remember those around us. Those we can still touch and talk to and help.

Don't let yourself fall into dismay. Remember there is always a way to survive, exist and to overcome.

Remember yourself.

Goodnight."

Sometimes we find special friends even when we are not looking for them...

...I saw his profile, what a nice pic! Wow Damn he is hot!
So I winked at him. Wait! A reply to my "flirting", an e-mail that says "Hi, sup girl!". I read some blog entries and thats it! He is awesome! He is not just hot, he is definitely not just a peace of meat, he got brains and a beatiful smile! He knows how to touch me just with words, he seems to know me deep inside and that scares me, "alot" (as he would say-write). So I think, gosh he must have tons of girls running after him, I must be # 142.564.759.588 right there at the end of the line lol. So we started to chat, just a "Hi, how are you" kinda talk at first, but shortly after the first couple of lines we were conected...totally conected! Then they came, the "all night long" conversations, we got closer, we laugh, we shared memories, experiences, pain, confessions, advices...
we shared...shared...shared...

I love that! I need that! I want that!!!!
And as he would say "I want closeness"
Is he just a friend now???
Helllllllllllllll NO!!!


Bring me the future...
I am looking forward....
I L... U daddy!
F.