I needed to write....

For years, I avoided any kind of relationship like the plague.
I suffered to much at the "loving field". Well, this went on for years but I am definitely not the "feel sorry for me" kinda girl! I'm a fighter and I'm happy to say that I finally got over it to enjoy a couple of wonderful relationships. I've been with ,not much but, some of the most wonderful guys and I feel honored to have known them and still know many of them (although not intimately).

"Hey! Wait a minute...If they were that good why you are not with them anymore?" Because only friendship does NOT make a relationship better or successful. I need more than a friend. Yeah, for years I avoid a serious relationship but then This guy showed up im my life...I was feeling alone, in a different country, with different people, a different family, different language...yeah, it was new but its was a hard time as well...and then I met him! I was done avoing...hiding...runnig from something I thought it would be real...something I always wanted soooo bad.

He was one of the most hottest black men I could ever dream about. Every girl I have had showed his pic and myspace profile wanted a piece of him. He was the one that had all the girl's heads turn when I was online chatting with him....while they said, "Damn, who is that gorgeous black guy? Where is he going tonight?" Yes! I had my grilfriends having lil crushes on him.

Well, back then I just wanted to be his friend...I was in need of a friend badly. But right at the beginning I realize he couldn't be just a friend for me....I wanted more from him. I was smart, or so I thought I was, I knew better than to drool. I kept my head over my shoulders when I met him. I thought I was ready to take things slowly and see how everything would pan out. But I wasn't smart! I fell in love so fast....sooooooooo fast!!!

Friendship is where we started. It was the basis of our union.Our friendship was so strong and impotant to me that I couldn't bare the thought of not trying everything and anything possible to make it work...He was my movie buddy, my best friend, and then I realized he was more than a friend to me and that I wanted more than to be just a friend to him.

I got tired of hearing people say how important friendship is. I have tons of friends and few good ones and I wanted to have a life partner as well and that includes future planning, fun, acceptance, trust, dreams, and of course intimacy and sex. And we had it all!!!We became great friends and later lovers. Great lovers! The nights were short for us back then. A black guy and a brazilian girl...goodness! What a hot combination!!!

But life sux and I had to leave US...Hell that hurted so bad! I couldn't look back. I didnt want him to see me crying. In fact I didn't think he loved me enough or at least the same way to ask me to stay. I felt like I was falling fast in a deep hole. My heart was broken into a million pieces. At first the distance was the problem! It was hard as hell because we were far away from each other...but life is cruel sometimes and a lot of shit happened after I left! His Big Brother passed away...then my best friend died as well. At the same time I learned I was pregnat and that I've had lost the baby. My mom had to have surgery to fix a problem on her heart. I haven’t find a job, so I had no money... I was too emotional, sad and moody. Out of that I didn’t know what to do about us. I felt like I was at the road alone.It was driving me crazy! I was feeling neglected - forgotten - nothing - a peace of shit!! He was having a hard time over there as well and I felt like he didn't care about me and my problems at all. My world had been turned upside down. My aunt passed away and my mom was in the hospital. My life was falling apart right before my eyes! I was crying a lot because all of my own problems, his problems, and ours problems as a couple. It was a really tough time to both of us. He needed things to be about him in a time that I needed things to be about me. Unfortunately I couldn’t hide my feelings and my problems forever just to help him out because I wasn’t in a good time in my life either. In fact, I needed him to be there for me as well. Besides all the problems we were having there was the fact that I didn’t even know when I would be able to come back to the States. So I was hoping we could make things work between us because the physical distance was already to hard to deal with.

We decided to give us a try and he told me about his dreams of having a partner in life, that he wanted us "to be a team...to back each other up...to grown old together". We both knew getting there was hard…but we both agreed it was not impossible. But I was the only one trying to work on us.I even tried to fit myself into “His idea” of how I should act but I couldn’t live like that. I needed to be as natural as I could to be ok with myself. I couldn’t lose touch with the integrity that guides my life. I was felling like my feelings were sinking into the shadows and I was afraid that circumstances were working against me as well…against us

We've had to work hard to keep us together!!! My Dad says, "A relationship is something you work at. You don't just get up and run out when it gets tough." I agreed with him and still do. Relationships - any type of one - take work and effort, and anything can be overcome. So I tried! I have a major "flaw" and it is my patience and trust. I trust and believe on him since the very beginning as well as had a great level of patience with his "pushing me away...cutting me off...its not your business way" of loving me. I communicated with him openly and honestly about my feelings - my bestfriend would've been proud of me. I read books to learn more about what I could do or say, I made constant attempts in using what I was learning from these books, I sought counseling and went on my own, I consulted with friends and family looking everywhere for answers.

Well.... I got the answers. I know now I was working hard on a "one way" reltionship! His "approach" was much much different than mine...Well I better say that wasnt an approach...whatever he said he was trying did not help at all and It wouldn't unless it was followed up with actions which was NOT the case. He refused my suggestions - yes many - for us to seek for an away to make the distance smaller somehow. He accused me of not being understandble...of being a drama queen...maybe I was. He also wasted all the excuses he could have had with me to defend himself of being cold, and not there for me in my times of need. I kept secrets (stuff that I didn’t even tell him because he had his own problems to deal with already).I cryied...I suffered...I spent sleepless nights thinking about what I could have done wrong...Needless to say, being culturally different was a problem as well. We got off to a very rocky start that didn't get any smoother with time and my own work.

Well, now I am sure there was a reason to be back in Brazil and I will focus on that. I will focus on my family…I will focus on me. I will take my eyes off the others things and people in my life and find comfort in being myself. Right now it seems I need to sort out my own feelings about what Faby wants, not what Faby and a partner wants. I need to be happy alone before I can truly give love to someone else. Right now, I will just love me and my parents. I will make them the most important people in my life. As hard as my life is right now, I will learn to be me, only me, an uncompromised me. I won't bend to what others want me to be. How people want me to act. I know what is right and as hard as it will be to let go of you now I need to do it.

I always thought that living in another country, getting to know another language, people, having a brand new family and friends would be a great way to mark big changes in my life, but now I can definitely be sure of that. My time in US draws a line in time between the time before and the time after. I'll never be the same girl my parents droped at the Airport on June 2005 to live in Naperville. Back then I wasn’t happy. I was searching for so many things, I wanted to work, I wanted to be independent, I wanted to learn about everything. I wanted to get to know a whole new world but more than get to know about the American way of life I learned about myself -- the trip was bigger inside myself than anything else. The end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008 made me think a lot about myself, my choices in life, what is important, what makes me happy, what makes me sad... Life is short…too short and I wanna be happy again. Now I have come to understand that I won’t be the same ever again...there’s no way…no way...I can be the same old me again.